Nix The Nagging

May 28, 2008

t’s not easy to stop nagging when you have a strong conviction that a loved one can (and should) change his behavior. Indeed, it may even feel irresponsible for you to "give up" on him and just let him be.

You want so badly for him (or her) to see the light. You know how much better his life would be if only he were more responsible, if only she stopped spending, if only he wasn’t a pack-rat, if only she wasn’t so hysterical.

You started out being loving and supportive. But now, much to your dismay, you’ve become known for your rages and your restrictions. You may have ear-piercing fights or you may seethe inside. Neither way is good and certainly not what you hoped for in this relationship. Yet that’s what it has become.

So what can you do to nix the urge to nag? Here are a few suggestions:

• Accept him - with his annoying (and even dangerous) foibles. I know what you’re thinking - why should I have to accept his unacceptable ways. He’s not being fair; he’s not being responsible. She’s out of control; she doesn’t let me breathe. Accepting it does not mean embracing it or liking it or giving it your stamp of approval. It just means that, at least for now, you give up the idea that it is your job to mold that person in your image of the way he should be. He is who he is. Now what do you do about your own frustrations?

• Curb your disappointments. Expect him to be the way he is. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So, if you expect him to change because after you’ve nagged him, he says, "you’re right", don’t be naïve. Yes, he may make an effort to eat healthier. Yes, she may make an effort to be less messy, but it’s likely that neither one will make a lasting change. Am I being cynical? No, just realistic. Don’t I believe that people can change? Absolutely people can change. But meaningful change happens when people feel the need to change, not as a reaction to nagging. So, protect yourself from continual disappointment. Expect things to be the way they are. And if perchance, your partner really does begin to change, acknowledge it and celebrate!

• Empower yourself by doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. If you have told him that you want him to plan a summer vacation and he has said "yes", but doesn’t act on it, don’t seethe. Don’t nag. Instead, start planning one yourself. But, you may ask, why should I have to do that when I do so much and he said he would do it? The answer: You will be a happier person when you get your needs met with minimum frustration. But isn’t this enabling, where you do for him what he should be doing for himself? No, because in this situation it is you who wants to go on vacation more than he does. So make it happen. Don’t be passive. Don’t wait for permission.

• Disengage when you know it will lead to further frustration. Frustration is contagious and grows in scope the more you focus on it. So, if you know that your nagging will get you nowhere, disengage. Stop thinking about her foibles, start thinking about something else. Am I advocating sticking your head in the sand? Avoiding the problems? Absolutely not. But I am suggesting that every itch does not need to be scratched. Use sound judgment about when and how to engage. Sometimes it’s important to confront, sometimes it’s important to let go.

Remember, a life of nagging is not what you signed up for. Nor did your partner sign up for a life of being constantly hounded. So, nix the nagging and instead initiate heart-to-heart talks, offer gentle reminders and lighten up the criticism. If none of that works, invest in your relationship with couple therapy. Professional help has enabled many a couple to brighten and enlighten their lives.

LINDA SAPADIN, PH.D.
DrSapadin@aol.com
http://www.PsychWisdom.com

Dr. Sapadin is a clinical psychologist, author, columnist, educator and motivational speaker. Her expertise is teaching people how to master debilitating fear, anxiety, procrastination and other self-defeating patterns of behavior. She also specializes in enriching relationships and enhancing self-confidence.

PUBLICATIONS

Now I Get It! Totally Sensational Advice for Living and Loving (Outskirts Press, 2007)

Master Your Fears: How to Triumph Over Your Worries and Get On With Your Life (John Wiley & Sons, 2004). (Also published in Korean and French)

Beat Procrastination and Make the Grade: The Six Styles of Procrastination and How STUDENTS can Overcome Them (Penguin, 1999).

It’s About Time! The Six Styles of Procrastination and How to Overcome Them (Penguin, 1996). Also published in Japanese.

MEDIA EXPERIENCE

Today Show, Good Morning America, Fox Morning News, National Public Radio, the Voice of America, Good Day New York, The New York Times, USA Today, Newsday, The Washington Post.