How To Have More Sex

May 28, 2008

How To Have More Sex
By Carl Megill

The following column is rated "R". It contains strong sexual content, frontal nudity and adult language, including words like "frontal nudity." If you are easily offended, or embarrassed, by frank commentary (wasn’t he on the nightly news?) then perhaps you might feel more comfortable rereading one of my other articles, like "10 Things Guys Hate to Hear in Bed."

This column is primarily for the men, but if the women read on, you’ll discover an amazing tip on how you can have more sex, too. So, hang in there.

Now, earlier this year there was a news story that stated that men, who help out around the house by doing housework, taking care of the kids, etc, had more sex than men who didn’t. Apparently, the wives, who were also holding down full time jobs, appreciated their husbands more, because they had less to do and they showed their appreciation by doing the wild monkey dance in the boudoir.

Could this be true? Could it be that simple? For centuries, nay, millenniums, men have been trying to figure out how to have more sex. We’ve tried practically everything. We’ve tried flowers, candy and openly weeping during "Extreme Makeover - Home Edition." These only had minor positive results.

Could the secret to having more sex be behind the vacuum? Could the upright get you upright? Could feeding and putting the kids to bed get you a ticket to the "Posturpedic Palace?" I had to find out for myself. I had to find out to what degree certain household chores would translate into an evening of carnal bliss.

I started out by waiting for my significant other to walk through the front door, after a particularly exhausting day, as she witnessed me dusting the furniture. This resulted, at bedtime, with a kiss goodnight, albeit, open-mouthed.

The next night, I tried a little more. I prepared dinner, washed, dried and put the dishes away. That night I was treated to full frontal nudity, (I told you those words would appear) but still, no prize.

The night after that, I decided to go for the gold. In addition to making dinner, washing, drying and putting the dishes away, I vacuumed, washed the floors and scrubbed the bathroom to a high sheen, and guess what? She offered me a ride in the "Pleasuremobile." Unfortunately, I was too tired, so I took a rain check. (I should cash it in soon, though, before she notices that I spilled bleach on the furry, toilet lid cover.)

But the news story was true. Men, who help out around the house, do get more sex.

Okay, I promised the women that I would let them in on a tip as to how they can have more sex, too. It’s really very simple. Are you ready? The way to have more sex is to HAVE MORE SEX! That’s it. You are the determining voice in whether or not you want your eyes to roll back into your head. If you want more sex, have more sex. We’re not going to say, "No. Not tonight." The last time I said, "No. Not tonight," was the night my brother asked me to drive him to the airport.

We are not built that way. We want sex as much and as often as possible. Don’t be afraid to offer. If you want to have sex on a tractor, under the Verrazano Bridge, during a total eclipse, we’ll be there. Just say the word. If your fantasy includes a trapeze, a midget and two barnyard animals, hey, that’s mine, too. When do we start?

So, there you have it. I hope I didn’t offend too many people (or barnyard animals); simple ways for men and women to have more sex. And people say my column isn’t educational.

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