Marriage or Divorce - 4 Signs That a Relationship Will End

Marriage or Divorce - 4 Signs That a Relationship Will End
By Shanel Yang

Experts found that there are four quick and easy, but reliable, signs that a marriage won’t last.

Can you tell if these intelligent, attractive, seemingly happy, twenty-something, newlyweds named Sue and Bill are headed for divorce? Their communication styles are analyzed in this article. Then, I share tips on what to do if you recognize any of the four signs in your own marriage or relationship.

Sue and Bill were asked to discuss a point of contention in their marriage for one hour on videotape.

They chose their new large puppy, living with them in their small apartment. Apparently, Sue wanted to keep it, but Bill didn’t.

They never raised their voices to each other or showed any overt anger. On the contrary, they smiled and laughed a lot while they discussed this topic.

VIDEO OF SUE AND BILL

Sue: Sweetie! She’s not smelly …

Bill: Did you smell her today?

Sue: I smelled her. She smelled good. I petted her, and my hands didn’t stink or feel oily. Your hands have never smelled oily.

Bill: Yes, Sir.

Sue: I’ve never let my dog get oily.

Bill: Yes, Sir. She’s a dog.

Sue: My dog has never gotten oily. You’d better be careful.

Bill: No, you’d better be careful.

Sue: No, you’d better be careful. … Don’t call my dog oily, Boy.

This married couple, and many others like them, were studied at the world famous "Love Lab" at the University of Washington. Dr. John Gottman, Ph.D., is a marriage and divorce expert and researcher there.

He and his team of researchers narrowed down the telltale signs of a marriage headed for divorce to only four. How his studies led him to this conclusion is explained in Malcolm Gladwell’s excellent book Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking (2005). The four signs, which Dr. Gottman calls the "Four Horsemen," are:
(1) defensiveness;
(2) stonewalling;
(3) criticizing; and
(4) showing contempt.

FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE DIVORCE APOCALYPSE

1. Defensiveness: An example is the "yes but" tactic of, first, appearing to agree, then, taking it back. It’s a bait and switch trick, deceptive and manipulative. The listener is taken for an emotional roller coaster ride from hopeful to frustrated, to annoyed, and, eventually, to angry. This type of behavior erodes trust in a relationship because it is sneaky, hypocritical, and so confusing to listeners that they may end up feeling guilty, or unsure of themselves, for getting mad.

2. Stonewalling: Men tend to stonewall more than women. They shut down and refuse to communicate anymore about the problem. Or, they are inflexible. This behavior is a total rejection of the other person’s concerns, feelings, and needs.

3. Criticising: Women tend to be more critical than men. Criticisms are sweeping, overbroad attacks on a person’s character, such as "You never listen" or "You are really selfish and insensitive." Criticisms cause defensiveness.

4. Showing Contempt: This is the single most important sign that a marriage is in trouble. Even without the other three, if this one is present in your marriage, chances are high that you will divorce. To express contempt is to act like you are better than the other person and, therefore, can treat them worse than other people. Examples are harsh condemnations like "You’re a prick," or "You’re a slut."

Contempt is very similar to disgust. Both completely reject the person as not worthy of any consideration, let alone respect. A classic example of this is rolling your eyes while your spouse is talking. Another example is ignoring, or being completely dismissive of, your spouse’s complaints or requests for validation.

BACK TO SUE AND BILL

When all four of these signs exist, chances are very high that your marriage won’t last. And, these clues can be found in even the briefest arguments between married couples. For example, in the video of Sue and Bill, Bill began the conversation with "I guess I’m just not a dog person." Then, he confusingly said that he liked their old dog but just not their new dog. He didn’t seem angry or annoyed. He looked like he just wanted to explain his feelings.

Sue rolled her eyes very quickly a few times while Bill was talking. At one point, Bill began to talk about how he really didn’t like the dog’s living quarters. Sue reacted by closing her eyes and then responded in a patronizing, lecturing voice. Bill said that he didn’t want a fence in the living room. Sue said, "I don’t want to argue about that," and rolled her eyes again. Stonewalling and Contempt.

Bill tried a different argument by complaining that the dog hurt their social life because it forced them to come home early to make sure it didn’t destroy their apartment. Sue replied that was not true and argued back, "If she’s going to chew anything, she’s going to do it in the first fifteen minutes that we’re gone." He acted like he agreed by nodding and saying, "Yeah, I know." But, he added, "I’m not saying it’s rational. I just don’t want to have a dog." First, he acts like he’s validating her point by starting with the "Yeah, I know." Then, he gets defensive again by restating his original position of not wanting the dog. The "yes but" tactic.

Then, Bill wanted some validation from Sue. He said, "I’m getting way better. You’ve got to admit it. I’m better this week than last week, and the week before, and the week before." Sue ignored him. In study after study at the Love Lab, married couples that nodded and said, "You’re right," or "Uh-huh," or "Yeah," in response to their spouse’s requests for validation during arguments stayed together, while those who didn’t divorced. It’s a sign of support.

Sue and Bill look like they are calmly discussing whether they should keep their dog. But, what’s they are really cementing a harmful pattern of interaction that will repeat whenever they disagree. She is completely inflexible and unsupportive of him. He is defensive, indirect, and dishonest about his true feelings. They look like happy newlyweds, but the Love Lab doubted they’d last seven years.

COUNSELING TIPS

1. If your partner wants validation, give it without using the "yes but" tactic. It doesn’t mean you agree with everything they say or that you are losing the argument. It means you still care about them and are willing to show it.

2. If you agree with a point they make, say so and stop there. Don’t add a "but" statement. That only negates all the benefits of the agreement-and then some.

3. Don’t cross your arms, turn away, or walk away in the middle of a discussion. These are all examples of stonewalling. If you need a "time out,", communicate this need and agree to continue at a specified time that is good for both of you.

4. When expressing your needs or concerns, be direct, specific, and polite. Don’t criticize the other person. Ask for what you want or need. Then, really listen to what the other person wants or needs. Be willing to compromise.

5. Don’t roll your eyes, make disparaging noises, or throw your hands up in the air. Express your frustration before you get exasperated, again, using direct, specific, and polite words. Say something like, "I feel ignored when you interrupt me. Please let me finish my point." It’s harder but worth the effort as long as your partner is honestly trying to communicate, too.

CONCLUSION

We can all improve our communication skills, especially when it comes to arguments. We can’t avoid all arguments, and we shouldn’t try. Relationships grow the most from conflict and healthy conflict resolution. Be honest but respectful about expressing your annoyances, frustrations, needs, and wants. Give validations frequently and sincerely. Keep your eyes on the prize of real conflict resolution-which always involves compromise on both sides-so you can get back to the business of living a harmonious life. Then, all of this gets a whole lot easier.

Copyright © Shanel Yang
Easy Steps to Success
http://shanelyang.com/
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Shanel Yang shares the Easy Steps to Success that she has distilled after trial and error since 1971, when she came to the U.S. from South Korea with her parents and three younger sisters. Her parents had no education, no marketable skills, knew no English, and only $50 when they landed at LAX with absolutely no idea how they would survive in this new country. The responsibilities were divided between the parents and Shanel like this: The parents earned as much money as they could with odd jobs, like janitorial work in a church, dishwashing in a restaurant, and sewing in a downtown sweatshop, while Shanel learned as much as she could about how to do everything else in this country and taught it to the entire family.

All of that responsibility from such an early age left Shanel with a lifelong desire to help others similarly in need of all the important lessons she had to learn to help her family survive–and eventually thrive–in this great country. She went to UCLA Law School and practiced law for 10 years in Los Angeles. Now, she has begun her second career as a writer to provide self help advice to help others succeed in their lives. Her formula is People, Work, and Money. And, for immigrants who are struggling now as her family once did, she adds English and Law. Shanel believes that success in life can be simple if you focus on people first, work second, and money third. To simplify it further, if you have great relationships–especially the most important one, which is with yourself–the rest will naturally follow. Dare to be awesome! Strive to be your own hero!

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