How to Avoid a Bloody Divorce Battle

March 24, 2008

How to Avoid a Bloody Divorce Battle
By Cristi Trusler

Divorce court is usually the final battlefield for a self-destructing marriage. And it’s often a bloody one.

But a battle is usually the wrong way to manage such critical issues as parenting, family finances, and the emotional well-being of loved ones, say proponents of collaborative divorce, a popular mediation method.

Pent up anger and hostility are reinforced by the adversarial nature of traditional divorce, they say. These strong emotions overshadow the needs of their children and the family’s future financial security.

The ‘legal issues’ divorcing couple often raise in court "May just be (their) unresolved emotions in disguise," says Dr. Robert Emery, director of the University of Virginia’s Center for Children, Families, and the Law. "Unmanaged emotions and parental conflict put the ‘bad’ in bad divorce," he said in "The Truth About Children And Divorce."

In contrast, collaborative divorce is a unique settlement technique, designed to keep emotions in check, so that the intricacies of divorce can be managed and mediated. The process requires attorneys skilled in dispute and conflict resolution.

Both parties still have their individual interests protected by their own attorneys, but, in this case success is measured by whether or not both parties win.

So much so, that, should the settlement process break down and end up in court, both lawyers are fired by their respective clients - and they must sign an agreement up front saying so.

"That one rule just shifts the whole game," says Stu Webb, the family attorney credited as the creator of collaborative divorce back in the early 90s.

Both the couple and their attorneys must also pledge that they will treat each other courteously, that no one will take advantage of mistakes made by another in the sessions, on total, open disclosure, and that the entire mediation will be confidential.

The four participants often bring in outside experts to provide tools to better manage the dissolution of the marriage. These experts can be parenting coordinators trained in helping offset the impact on the children, financial advisors, time management coaches to help establish parenting schedules.

Statistics, proponents say, bear out the value of collaborative divorce. Studies suggest that only 5 percent of such cases end up winding up in the courtroom. Others indicate that the collaborative divorce procedure is nearly always less expensive.

This cooperative nature also seems to have a positive impact for family members in the years following a divorce. In a study spanning 12-years, Emery found that, of parents living in a different locale than their children 52 percent of those who participated in a mediated divorce talked to their children weekly. But of those whose divorce was conducted in court, only 14 percent did so.

These kinds of results have spurred the growth of collaborative divorce to 26 states, Canada, Europe and Australia. Texas recently became the first state to enact a collaborative law statute.

Cristi Trusler is a Divorce Lawyer in Austin and is a strong advocate of the collaborative process. If you’re not sure you’re ready for divorce, we’ve made it easy for you to find marriage counselors in Austin so you can work on your relationship instead of ending it.